With this deployment I have heard one if my fellow "single wives" mention a few times that we just need to "feel the feels". Basically, it's OK to just let our emotions run their course sometimes. I mean, we can't let our emotions run their course ALL the time because, well let's face it, what a mess that could become for everyone around us!
Yesterday was one of those days I just needed to feel my feelings. I'm pregnant, but because I don't DO anything ever I'm not worn out quite as often as I normally would be in pregnancy so my emotions don't get out of control like they have a tenancy to in pregnancy. But yesterday I was just tired. I woke up after a full nights sleep (I think) feeling wiped out. I ate even when I didn't feel hungry because logically I know I need food pretty much all the time (I try to eat something about every hour in the day time, especially since I'm mostly snacking all day). By the early afternoon I was just tired and in full pity party mode. I even got online with the other wives whose husbands are with mine and whined. I really hate whining. I just complained about the fact that I have been on bed rest for 10 weeks (whoa, that's a long time!) and the only thing making it worse is knowing my husband isn't around to help make things better.
These other wives understand because every time they have a crappy day or a sick kid they are flying solo too. The difference is, because of being on bed rest I have someone else around to help with my kids all the time. The other wives & moms are really doing it all alone. I just lay in bed all day. They, and lots of other people, mention to me how what I'm doing is hard. For the most part, what I'm doing IS rough, but what these other moms do, playing mom and dad while missing their husbands immensely and keeping everything together ALL BY THEMSELVES, that is hard. They really deserve some recognition for what they do everyday.
So yesterday got better after I took a nap and took things really easy for the rest of the day. I keep being surprised at all the things I am physically incapable of doing right now. I have been on bed rest for 10 weeks and have lost basically all my muscle. I am weak. Really weak. I also have a little problem with my hips being rotated (last year we figured out what was wrong so I did physical therapy, but I've lost all the muscle holding things in place) so moving is hard. Like even lifting my legs up is hard work. Also because of the twins my pelvic bone has started spreading a little sooner, and that is just painful to walk on. That's one of those things that usually is experienced in the later part of the 3rd trimester, but I'm feeling now.
So with realizing how physically pathetic I am right now I've started thinking about all the hard work I'm going to have to put into myself to get back to a "normal" place for me. To start getting strong enough to play volleyball again I'm going to have to do a lot of strength training as well as cardio. I've never been weak like this before, so I have no real concept of how hard this will be, especially with 2 new babies and 2 big boys.
Another thing I will have to work at is my music. Since being with my mom I have sat down at her beautiful piano maybe a dozen times. It takes ab muscles to sit at the piano. Even more so at the organ, where you are using your feet so much more. I have played organ in our church meetings many times over the last few years, but in January I started learning how to REALLY play the organ, the right way. Most people in the congregation wouldn't know the difference, unless they play the organ, then they know I've been cheating. But I just started learning the right way, was in a practice routine and had to stop. That's going to be hard to pick back up because it takes real practice to play the organ. And I like it!
So in conclusion, I just have been having a little pity party. Not everyday is sunshine and good news. Faith doesn't come easily every minute of every day. Sometimes I am just as weak emotionally as I truly am physically. I always overcome it though. I just needed to put all my feels out there somewhere.
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