AUGUST!

So this week has been kind of crazy. I hit my 30week mark, no problems really, and then it came. The following day during one of my monitoring sessions we recorded a great big contraction. I've had several of these over the last few weeks, but didn't realize they were contractions. I've only felt contractions before when I've been in labor, and those hurt! These felt more like big pressure, and not all over my belly- just one side or another- so I figured it was one of the babies pushing on me awkwardly. During this "huge contraction" (as the nurse referred to it) one of tge babies heart rates dropped (which also could've been the monitor picking up my heart rate). Anyway, to be safe we called the Dr who put me on continuous monitoring until he came in the following day to evaluate everything.

It was a long night. I was convinced that we weren't going to make it to 32 weeks. The problem for me with having contractions is the Vasa Previa. If I go into active labor and/or have intense enough contractions the umbilical cord that is above my cervix could detach, try to deliver, or whatever else, thus severely endangering that baby and subsequently both babies. At this point we won't risk that. If any major complications like that arise, we will just deliver.

While hooked up to the monitors I could sometimes see the contraction line, depending on my position, and if I couldn't see it Zed could. Sometimes I would see that it was marking a contraction and I was surprised. I'd start feeling if my belly was hard, or really thinking about any pain/pressure I felt.  Other times I would feel a bunch of oressure and ask Zed if it was a contraction and he usually said no. So even though I've been through labor twice I am super confused at this point.

When my dr came in the following morning he was less concerned. He looked at my tracings for the previous 18 hours or so.  Zed and I interpreted his explanation differently. Zed basically got: all muscles contract,  and baby heart rates are going to have decels, no biggie.  I understood: yeah you are 30 weeks along with twins and your body is exhausted- you're having contactions; but they are not strong enough or frequent enough to get too worried about. Either interpretation led to me getting unhooked from the machines. We changed my orders to my being monitored every 6 hours, for one hour at a time, so we are more likely to get readings on contractions.

It's been a LOOONG stay here. Ive been in the hospital for almost 7 weeks. But we FINALLY made it to August! It is completely surreal that I will be done with this pregnancy in 10 Days. Having numbers that small is just weird at this point. I keep saying that I know this is my shortest pregnancy, but it has felt like the longest! 10 more days. It just is weird, yet so exciting!

HAPPY AUGUST!

So I sent Zed and the boys home for the weekend. It's time for them to party with grandma Bobbie again, while Zed helps me relax for my last pregnant week. Mr. J had another preschool graduation. This was his free online UPSTART program (seriously a great program). So we've got some pictures of my little stud and his diploma. Also, Otis was pretty excited about his cowboy boots and hat that had been left in K-town.  Love those boys!

The Big 3-0 !!

Today is an AWESOME mile stone for us! 30 WEEKS!!!!!!

In 2 weeks I will be having these 2 little guys. I am so excited and incredibly nervous too! I don't think that I ever had this many mixed up emotions in my other pregnancies. I am ready to have my body back-- in the sense that right now I can literally barely walk. Walking  is painful. Sitting is painful. And lately I'm in pain just laying down. I move around just to give one pain relief in exchange for a different pain. The babies are constantly pushing on something and often it causes a charlie-horse kind of pain in my stomach that I have to curl up and rub out until that baby can or will move off my ligament. Then of course, there is the world I miss. I miss my home, doing things, eating edible food (because let's face it, this hospital food is not going to be missed ond little bit!), and just being normal.

But here's the thing, I would stay pregnant, deal with all these things that drive me crazy and seriously hurt,  if it was at all safe for these babies to stay put and grow some more. You can ask Zed, I have a little melt down every day because these babies are so tiny and are going to need so much help after they are born. If it was safe for them to stay where they are to grow bigger and healthier and stronger I would gladly lay in this bed for another month or two.  I tell Zed just how guilty I feel everytime I make a comment about being able to 'hardly wait till my c-c-section' or 'can't we mive delivery up a week?' I feel terrible for tbese thoughts because everyday I keep these babies in me is equivalent to 3 days in the NICU.

I know that these 2 boys will be safer in two weeks in the NICU than in me though. I had my parinatologist in SG tell me that he has seen mono-monos pass away by waiting from 32 weeks to 33 weeks. Which realistically is extremely possible to happen at ANY point in the pregnancy, but the statistics show that 32 weeks is THE BEST time to deliver. And also with those stats, my babies have the same odds of survival and lasting problems by being delivered at 32 weeks and having a 24/7 NICU team, as any other baby has by being delivered at full term.

Zed and I asked my doctor the other day about another doctors comments of me "breaking records". We were then told that about 90% (Zeds and mine previous internet research said more of 70-85%) of mono-mono twins miscarry before 20 weeks. We really are doing well making it this far with these guys. We also did the math of the odds of someone having mono-mono twins AND having vasa-previa. Both conditions typically result in bed rest, and likely hospital time before delivering.  Both also require a c-section. The odds of having both in one pregnancy are 1-in-20,000,000. Yes I typed that many "0"s on purpose. 1 in 20 million.

We are feeling very grateful that though so many of the odds are not in our favor, we have been able to have a successful pregnancy thus far. We are confident  that being in this hospital and having transferred to my current doctor were the absolute best things we could've done to make this pregnancy go as well as it has. We are MOST grateful for all of the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. We are confident in saying that prayers work. Heavenly Father has blessed us immensely because of the faith and prayers of our many friends, family, and strangers. Thank you.

Breaking Records

That's what one doctor told me this week. Today is 29 weeks. I will only be pregnant for 3 more weeks. Yesterday I saw a different doctor from the practice-all of whom are absolutely fantastic and always sit and give me all the time I want or need, and often just visit for a few minutes. I haven't seen this particular doctor  in probably more than 2 weeks- I  usually see my own doctor, but everyone in the practice takes their turns doing rounds.  As he walked into my room he simply said, "We are just breaking records!" Of course I am not actually breaking records but it sure is nice for things to be going so smoothly right now. 

My pregnancy complications include (but are not necessarily limited to):
- twins
- identical twins
- mono chorionic (one placenta)
- mono amniotic (one sac, resulting in twisted cords)
- vasa previa (just google this one, there is no short explanation)

Having these complications did not give me great odds at having a successful pregnancy and delivering 2 healthy babies. Statistics weren't totally against us, but they weren't in our favor either. Making it to 24 weeks was the BIGGEST deal, because then my babies had a 50% chance at surviving. Making it to 28 weeks was like the 'cherry on top' because now if I delivered the babies only had a 10% chance of lasting mental complications, but with a 90% survival rate.

The fact that now I've made it to 29 weeks and have not had any recent complications, issues, or serious health concerns is pretty awesome. Basically, I have laid in this hospital bed for the last 5 weeks striving to be the easiest and most boring patient on the floor. I'm doing prett good.

I am learning so many things with this pregnancy. Medical jargon for one: I know proper terms for the babies' positions. An "ante partem mom" is what I'm called. It's basically the opposite of post partem. Post partem moms have delivered their babies, ante partem moms have not delivered their babies. I know how the babies need to be positioned to get the best results on the monitors. I can read the ultrasounds better than I ever thought someone should. My sonographer is great, actually, in taking time to show me what she sees so I can interpret the images better myself. My babies have hair! You can see hair on an ultrasound at 28 weeks apparently, did you know that?! Crazy stuff like that.

My boys have been back in town for the past 5 days and I have had all sorts of time with them; it's been lovely! So I've git some pictures of them. I added my newest picture of the belly. It's the same shirt on picture day for several weeks because it's the only shirt i have lleft that doesn't show the bottom inch or 2 of my belly (ps, I hate the feeling of trying to have my pants covering those inches- there is enough pressure on my belly from the inside, I don't need it from the outside too). My belly us HUGE, it's bigger than I've ever had. Zed wants everyone to know that it is SO much bigger than what the pictures and maternity shirts make it appear. My belly button is gone and stretched out (not sure if it will pop out because its stretched pretty tight) and Otis tells me the babies ate it, because it looms like I've got no belly button.

Haha, now for some pictures!

Eating lunch with my boys

29 WEEKS!!!!!

Zed brought me a sleeping boy so I got a few minutes of snuggle time!

They love their time at the hospital with me

Whoa, that belly!

It's exhausting being at the hospital all the time.

Zed gave the boys haircuts

They spent one morning down at the air force base

So this is the collection of ultrasound pictures that are at my moms house, so it's mostly just ones from May and June. I have all of the ones from before that back at home and all of the pictures from July to now in my suitcase here. We have quite the documentation of these boys going on!!

For the Girls

So this one is dedicated to my girls at KHS VOLLEYBALL!!!

I think about you girls, the sport, and our Cowboy Family all the time. Especially since the 2015 season is so close to starting. I tell Coach Houston all the time that I am sincerely heartbroken to be missing this season. I promise that I am going to be watching every game possible online, and I will catch your last few home games when I finally make it back home. Coach Houston also knows that I intend on coming right back to help coach as soon as I am physically capeable again.

My first year coaching- 4 years ago I only had 5 freshman on my team. Do you guys remember that? We had to move some sophomores down to fill our team and give thrm a chance to play. We had 8 on our teamand everyone had a lot of chances to play. Remember how we rocked the JV bracket of a tournament even though we had to share our JV players with varsity? Well, the following year 3 of those freshman decided to pursue other interests and now, as seniors I only have 1, maybe 2 of you still playing. We did gain an extra amazing player in your class of 2016. But I am so sad to not get to be a part of you 3 girls' senior season. I admire you girls and am amazed, simply amazed at the progress and improvements you made between sophomore year & junior year and am so so so excited to see how much more you've improved and grown stronger coming into this last high school season.

My first year coaching I coached freshmen, then the following year I coached JV, then last year I went back to the freshmen. I absolutely cannot say that Iloved coaching one more than another. You girls that are part of our Cowboy Family are so amazing.

Most of you understand that I have been on bed rest since the end of March. That means I have been resting, mostly laying down for 16 weeks. Practically 4 months. Today I visited with the Physical Therapist here at the hospital and she told me that one day without activity takes 3 days to make up for. So it will take me a long time to get back to being strong and able to REALLY compete against some of you!

I want to tell you girls AGAIN: NEVER STOP MOVING! You don't have to do a sport every season if you don't love it. But do something every season. I see Chan, who is a top athlete in every season: volleyball, basketball, and track. But I also see Chloe who doesn't love the other sports as much as volleyball, so she plays volleyball in fall AND spring and runs distance on her own time in the winter. Last summer a few- i emphasize FEW- of you joined in on weight/strength training. It's another great way to keep active.

But did any of you notice, as us coaches certainly did, some of your teammates who didn't stay active in the off season, or who didn't participate in our summer plans very much? Did you notice how much longer it took them to get back to peak performance? Did you notice that those who stayed active either passed up other players or simply made more personal gains and truly impressed us coaches?

Well, we noticed. As someone who now has at least a year of strength recovery to go through I just want you to keep moving. Be your best. Give your best to your team, your coaches, your school, and the community. Be a strong player who works hard and makes her entire town proud to produce such a person. Be classy. Get on the court and show your opponent as well ad your supporters and team how hard you've worked. Show them how improved you are.

Lastly, give me something worth watching! I won't be there in warm ups. I can't tell you to run a slide or a 1, or to adjust your base so you can dig a certain hitter better. I want to be there. And I will be yelling at my screen. But I'm asking you to play with heart. Make every game worth watching. Leave it all out on the court.

I love you girls, so much more than you can know. You have taught me so much and I can't wait to watch you playing!

28 Weeks

Today I am at 28 weeks. This is HUGE! It's unbelievable to me how big of a milestone 28 weeks is. I'm not "due" until October 6, yet I am now counting down 4 weeks until I meet these little warrior babies of mine.

The last 2 days they have most certainly felt like little warriors inside of me. They are sooooooo so active, which is the best sign of their health and strength. The other day I felt a little hand in my rib cage. I've felt little feet before, but the way this baby was positioned it had to have been a hand. They still use my ligaments as hammocks quite often. They ALWAYS kick the monitors when we are checking heart rates- they have great aim on those kicks, it's pretty funny. By knowing how they are positioned I'm getting pretty good guesses at which body part I think I can feel when they are pushing on me. The back is easiest, because its the biggest, but a lot if times its just a little baby bum, or a shoulder. I get to feel tiny feet sometimes. They are always pushing at each other too. They both are trying to get themselves positioned to be the first one out, if I were to deliver "naturally".

We did measurements on the ultrasound 2 weeks ago so we will likely not measure them again for 2 more weeks. But 2 weeks ago they both were almost 2 pounds, so I feel like its pretty safe to guess that they are now 2 pound babies. We have seen both of them practicing breathing, and they get hiccups that I can feel occasionally now too. They are so active that I have to wonder if they will be bruised from one another when they are born.

My belly is officially at my normal 40 week size. OK, I don't have any measurements to guarantee that statement, but it's huge. And the babies are both so low  that it's just so uncomfortable. I carry my babies all in front too, so when I see my belly huge and hanging I just have to have a little giggle. I can't believe it is so big sometimes!

These babes are doing great and it just makes me so happy. We are still checking heart rates regularly as mydr hasn't required me to be on constant monitiring. He said we can keep using this method for now since there have been no causes for concern since I've been admitted.

Some might ask why I'm in the hospital, or even still on bedrest if everything is, and has been for weeks, looking good. The answer is in my risks. Everything right now is a precaution. The babies could still compress their cords any time and we need to be able to notice all the changes in their heart rates. If I were to start having any contractions and go into labor then we have a life threatening issue for at least one baby with the vasa previa. I need to be minimally active and in a place where constant monitoring is available and we are monitoring very regularly.

My doctor is very sympathetic for me and my nurses and understands that we can't get or keep these little warrior babies on the monitors all the time right now, so he is letting us get around that. He us constantly impressed with how good these boys are doing. I think he is as confident as I am that we are making it to  32weeks wuthout any further complications. Have I mentioned to you guys how amazing my doctor is?

Side note: my regular OB back at home that I went to with my other boys is also amazing. I had him refer me to this specialist, and by doing so my awesome OB was off the mono mono case. But just to show how amazing HE is, I got a call from him last week after hours checking up on me. When all my problems first came about he called me (when I wasn't calling him or going to the ER) to make sure everything was staying the same and check on me. But now, I'm not seeing him. He is still technically my dr I think, and I think he might get updates from my dr down here, but I thought that was pretty awesome for him to give ne a personal call and see how things are working out for me.

YAY FOR 28 WEEKS!!!! Mom & my nurse commented today on the size of my belly.

Ranting, Thoughts

Warning: I just wrote this. No proof reading, and I used my tablet, so anticipate spelling errors. Use creativity when trying to figure out what I meant.

So you know you look 'less than pleasant' when the doctor  (who comes to check on you before 7am) says "how are you feeling? You look a little, um...". Exhausted was the word he left off. Or tired, or like a mess. I dont blame him. I LOVE my doctor. But how many if you have slept in a hospital for several weeks? I've done 1-2 nights before, and it gets rough. At night people still have to come and check vitals and stuff. I am actually very VERY fortunate to have an amazing staff who now lets me sleep through the night. We check on the babies at 10pm, then I get woken back up between 6 & 6:30 to start over. I don't have high blood pressure or anything so my nurses just skip checking my vitals through the night because sleep is more important.

The LAB doesn't have that memo. They come in when my blood work is expired. Midnight, 5am, it doesn't matter. I understand that they are working with policy and when they get their orders in and all. I'm just ranting here today.

The biggest thing- snd what I told my doctor is the cause of looking so tired- is that now I'm just having "pregnant sleep". It's this phase of pregnancy that, for me at least, is reserved for the last few weeks. It's to prepare your body for waking up in the night with a baby. That and your belly is so big that you are just uncomfortable no matter what and breathing gets harder. Not to mention the getting up to pee at night thing. I haven't slept through a night in months.

I'm tired. But this time around it's been kicked up a notch too.  I'm on bed rest. I've been on bed rest for 3 1/2 months....15 weeks. I am tired ALL the time, but my body is also completely restless. I'm in limbo all the time of being tired, bored, exhausted, emotional, bored, nervous, ect, ect. And my body is stiff all the time too.

This has been such an interesting experience. One I hope to never repeat. Living in a hospital, even being on bed rest, is not something I would wish on anyone.

Thank your lucky stars that you can cook your own food the way you like it, or at least go pick up your favorite drive through meal. Be grateful that you can stand up long enough to do your hair and makeup for the day, and aren't going to just lay down and ruin it all if you try.

I see all if these pictures online of my friends showing off what they are doing this summer and I'm totally jealous (please don't stop posting- seriously I am living vicariously through you all!). I see you guys taking your kids swimming, hiking, on a picnic,  to rodeos and fairs. You went camping or fishing, or just to the park. I don't post 90% if what my family does usually, but I'm thinking that next year I'll drive you guys crazy with what I'm upto. Maybe one of my friends will be cooped up in their house or a hospital and just be itching to know what others are up to out in the world. Social media has been a life-line to so much and many for me these past few months. Next year I can provide one of those life-lines for one of my friends perhaps.

Weight and Muscles

Warning: I just wrote this. No proof reading, and I used my tablet, so anticipate spelling errors. Use creativity when trying to figure out what I meant.

So when someone is pregnant there is an expectation if weight gain. Depending on your pre pregnancy weight the amounts vary as to what is deemed a healthy amount of weight gain. When I was pregnant with Mr. J I am confident that my pre pregnancy state was my most unhealthy (although it was the same as my pre pregnancy weight this this around, but this time I was starting with some muscle, not just fat). I wasn't by any stretch of the imagination fat, obese, or even really overweight. I just wasn't healthy either. I hadn't been able to find any form of working out that I liked at the time because I was too cheap to pay for a gym membership, and I hate all things cardio. During that first pregnancy experience i gained a lot of weight. More than the recommended amount for my starting weight. Again, it wasn't crazy unhealthy, super bad or anything, but it wasn't within the normal range either. I gained over 30 lbs, and didn't deliver 30 pounds worth of baby.

It took a long time to work back down to a regulat healthy weight. Mr. J and I did a lot of walks, we bought a house and I learned how much I love working outside in the yard and garden, and we went hiking a lot more as a family. I wasn't "fit" or strong, but I had worked enough to be healthy. When I got pregnant with Otis I already weighed less than I had the last time I got pregnant. I was healthier to start with. Then I lost about 10 pounds in my first trimester by being so sick. I don't remember how much I gained that pregnancy, but throughout it I was still able to go on walks sometimes, the occasional hike, and lots of chasing a 1year old around.

Only a few months after Otis was born I was blessed to start coaching volleyball. I have probably never been as strong before in my life. I coached 3 years, played a lot,  encouraged my girls to do weight conditioning by being as involved as possible, became a better vball player than when I was in HS, did some physical therapy for my hips and got a stronger core,  and started working out all my muscle groups at thr gym. I wasn't super thin, I'm just not built that way. I weighed more than in high school, but I was stronger too. More muscles felt great.

Then I finally got pregnant a 3rd time. I had about 4 weeks before I got so sick that I couldn't think of food anymore. 2 more weeks and even with my nausea medicine I wasn't always able to keep things down. I once again hated food. Even candy and treats! That was a whole new life experience for me to not want any treats at all. My favorite thing (and often only thing I could eat) to eat was apples and oranges. And at that apples were often too sweet. It was true, twice the baby was making me twice as sick!

I was put on bed rest at 12 weeks. My muscles started to deteriorate almost instantly it felt like. I didn't get weighed much in that 1st trimester, maybe once, but I don't recall losing weight this time. I figure the babies were growing fad6t enough to compensate for my lack of weight gain and liss of muscle. I stayed the same weight, even. It wasn't until I was 18 weeks that I realized this. When I changed doctors to my parinatologist and we weighed me at 18 weeks I was still at pre pregnancy weight. But the next week I had gained 2 pounds. I was finally getting over being so sick and was able to eat my mom's cooking-what I grew up with. I continued to gain more weight while at my mom's.

Then, at 24 weeks I moved into the hospital. I have virtually no muscle right now. Standing is exhausting, walking is painful. Moving myself at all is difficult. I'm the queen of my hospital room, but can only leave the room in a wheelchair or on a gurney. At my mom's house my idea of exercise was walking down 7 stairs for a meal, then back up those 7 stairs to lay down. Also, evety few days I'd play A song on the piano. It takes a lot of core strength to sit up & play piano. One song was my limit. This is how weak I am!

Well I've been in the hospital for over 3 weeks.  I'm so sick of hospital food. So so so so sick of it. I eat salads pretty much twice a day because I can't stomach most of the meats cooked here. I almost always try to eat more food and end up sending most of the entree back to the kitchen. Sometimes I don't order an entree but just lots of sides: salad, rice, fruit, 2 cartons of milk, and an ice cream cup. Well, I guess the nutritionist is concerned about me. Yesterday she brought me a list of other things I can order if the menu that day doesn't sound great. Then my nurse said the nutritionist needed her to ask me how I was liking the food and if I was getting enough. Then she added a note to my chart to be weighed every week.

THANKFULLY, when they wheeled a great big scale into my room I have gained about 12 pounds in the 3+ weeks I've been here. I don't know how much extra I should be gaining for twins, but I know it's more than with a singleton. Also, I gain faster with 2 babies. 12 pounds I  3 weeks?? Holy cow. But at least for now the nutritionist and my nurses and doctors are content that even if I'm not eating very much, the babies are getting everything they need to keep growing!

He's Baaaaack!!!!

So word has started spreading and I'll confirm: Zed is home! Now, let me begin by saying that we do still have some mixed emotions over this decision, but we are confident that it was the right one to make.

WHY IT WAS HARD

Zed and I have spent years trying to figure out the deployment thing: what's the right timing, what's the right location, what's the right situation?  If we volunteered for a deployment we had a little more control over these options than waiting for the order to just come.  We weighed out our options and decided the time had come.  Zed has wanted to deploy for 8 years, the last two years of which we have been volunteering to deploy to every place on earth, from Africa to Iraq to Afghanistan to Kosovo.  We were always shut down, being told to try again on another one.  So after Zed trying to be deployed for years we had this deployment basically fall into our laps. We both felt confident in accepting the deployment, volunteering to ensure Zed's name was on the list.

Things worked out so well in the time line of things.  This deployment could only have been sent by God.  His hand was extremely evident in nearly every step of the deployment.  The blessings we have received are so many we can’t even count them.  After spending so many hours and years praying and working for a deployment, having it and at at less than 50% completion is super hard, regardless of the reasons for ending it.  We both hate to start things that we can’t finish.  Starting something that others are relying on and then pass the buck, has never been our style.  Zed is leaving behind his team.  The work he had been working on had to be passed off to other team members.  The amount of work for Zed will increase as he is now working on organizing everything at home: with his  state job, the military, and insurance (just for a few examples), all while still having the stress of me being in the hospital and the babies going into the NICU after delivery.  While Zed was away, everything was in place for the remainder of the time he was supposed to be gone.  Everything would be logistically simpler by Zed staying deployed. Income was set, insurance was set, we were playing by the rules and it was finally all figured out.  So this change of plans raised some questions for us.  For example…By ending the deployment, are we missing out on blessings that would have been held in store for us had Zed stayed?   Are the blessings of going home going to outweigh the blessings had Zed stayed on deployment?  Are we lacking faith in God, because Zed came home after having received so much peace and comfort over our situation? 

These are a few of the questions, thoughts, and concerns that we struggled with in ending a deployment early.

WHY IT WAS RIGHT

Zed has been in touch with my doctor via email for several weeks. After I was admitted to the hospital Zed asked for a very realistic perspective of what was going on, what odds could look like, etc. Apparently I am very optimistic about this whole situation and have been slightly less than realistic with Zed and everyone else of what we are really up against. My doctor was very real with Zed that even though things look stable right now, because of the mono-mono diagnosis it is very, VERY possible that in a course of a single day things could become drastically different. The situation is just incredibly unpredictable.

As Zed spoke with his chain of command, his colleagues, and continued communication with my doctor about all of this it became clearer to us that if something were to happen Zed would be 5-7 days away. We decided it was time to pull the stops and have him closer. We are in such an odd predicament because any other person whose wife was sent to the hospital at 24 weeks pregnant would consider it an emergency they needed to be home for. Any other person who learned that their pregnant wife was going to deliver at 32 weeks would consider it an emergency they needed to be home for. Any other person who learned that their premature babies would be in the NICU for 4-10 weeks would consider it an emergency they needed to be home for. Zed and I both were not looking at our circumstances like any other person would. We have been planning on all of these scenarios since we learned that this might be a mono-mono pregnancy.

I don't want anyone to think that Zed doesn't care enough for me or anything crazy like that. I was raised very much with the understanding that sometimes you can't do anything to change to situation, so learn to deal with it in the best way. My sister and I have vented sooo many times how much we hated that idea. Sometimes you want to cry and scream and make a scene. We never do though. These last 6 months have proven to me how ingrained that lesson is in me. I decided that this was my situation, and I could handle it. I think Zed was very much looking at it the same way. I think we both also turned to a lesson we've learned in church: that God will not give us any trials that we can't handle. True that the trials won't be easy, but we can handle them.

When Zed very first mentioned to me that he felt like he needed to come home I was surprised.  But as I took time that day to pray about it I knew he was right and I needed him home. I feel foolish making this comparison, but it fits how I feel about it: I relate our situation to the principle taught in the story of Abraham and Isaac. I only relate this in the absolute most basic of ways though. Abraham was asked to do something VERY hard, and was willing to do so, but in the end God only required him to be willing to make a hard sacrifice. Zed and I were willing, even determined to go through this pregnancy with the hardships required because we made a commitment for Zed to serve on this deployment to our country, our family, and our God.  But, I very much feel like Heavenly Father  accepted our willingness to go the hard way, and let us know that we didn't have to finish it in that manner. We needed to be together through this trial more than we needed to have a separate trial. 

After praying and discussing with each other, Zed sent my doctor the needed information and I asked him to call the Red Cross to have Zed sent home on emergency leave. Zed's superiors were aware of my situation and when they got the Red Cross call they began making arrangements to end Zed's deployment.

It has been wonderful having him here with me. We do still feel like there is unfinished business on the idea of deployments. We do plan on Zed leaving and doing a full deployment within the next few years. We both need to feel complete with that. But as for right now I am grateful to have him home. Mr. J and Otis are thrilled. We surprised everyone with his return-except for my parents, who I gave notice to so Zed would have a ride from the airport.

Zed got to spend the 4th of July with the boys and they LOVED it!

Zed also took Mr J to get his kindergarten shots and he told me just how brave he was

Listening to his own heart beat

I guess now whenever Otis hurts his knees he needs "horse band aids" from Papa Kenny. They obviously bring joy to this crazy little boy!

Being tough with cousins

These sweet cousins are moving to GERMANY this month and my kids will be heart broken. We will have to Skype more often.

We surpassed Zeds mom and the boys on Wednesday last week when they came to visit me, but we didn't tell anyone else, so we got to surprise Renee when she came to visit. He then surprised the rest if his family by going home for the holiday weekend.

I was very patriotic on the 4th! And huge.

Loving on dad

Since coming home things have not been smooth either. We still have trials to work through, but there is a peace if mind for us both to know that in an emergency Zed is, at most, a few hours away. We are struggling to get insurance stuff figured out- don't worry, we will have insurance, it just gets complicated when military insurance is involved. We also were making plans to sell our car to get a bigger one- you know, so all our kids can fit. Well, this weekend the transmission blew on our car and it is only worth as much as it is to fix it. So now there's a little more of a time crunch to pick a car. And it happened when I sent Zed to spend the weekend with the boys at home, so he isn't with me now anyway.  Zed still has to out-process from his deployment, which puts him in Texas for a week where we basically can only pray that nothing happens while he is gone. 

It all comes down to this: nothing is easy. No matter where in the world my husband is, no matter what is going on in our lives or YOUR lives, nothing is easy. We all have trials. We all have struggles. No one gets off easy. Sometimes, MOST times, we can only trade in one trial for the next and hope like crazy that it'll ease and make SOMETHINGS easier. Having Zed in the country, back in the USA, has lightened my load more than I realized I needed it. We are happy.